Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Royal bloody college of bloody general bloody practitioners.....

Enter Dr J, back from a house move, and firing on all cylinders. Funny how a few (more) days out of surgery and a complete change of location and routine can recharge the old batteries. So here I have been the last two days, spiffy suit on, (OK you've got me on that one, all the trademark Dr J Smart Cash' togs are probably still in boxes and the suit holder was easier to spot in the post-move morass of brown cardboard) oozing bedside manner.

Goodbye Gregory House, hello RCGP approved Dr Kildare, or as close an approximation as a middle aged grump can get. I have resolved not to curmudge at the punters for at least a week. And I know I haven't told them this, and I didn't see it scrolling across the automated "Call In" system that makes our waiting room so fetchingly resemble Times Square at New Year. But somehow the word is out.

"'Ere old Jesties back-- le's go an' pick a fight wiv 'im!"

How else to explain this afternoon's cavalcade of un-resolvable woes. I swear some of them booked just to have a monty pythonesque "Ten Minute Argument", and at least one of the blighters wanted "the Full Half Hour". It ran something like this:

Ms Blighter "I got this shootin' pain down me arm. Bin there about a mumf."

Dr J (thumbing the intercom) "Janet, a cup of tea for Ms Blighter please, and something sugar free and healthy for her charming little one-- oh sorry Ms, do go on..."

Ms B "Then it goes like forked lightening all over the back of me 'ed"

DrJ "Oh dear. I am so sorry. Here let me take a little look. This might hurt a bit, but I'll be as gentle as I can..."

Ms B "Ow."

Dr J "I haven't started yet"

Ms B "Ow?"

Dr J (rubbing hands to warm them before attempting examination) "Still not yet"

Prod

Ms B "F*****G OW!"

Dr J "So sorry. Here have some tea, there's a biccie to dunk too if it will help. Now then. I think I know what the trouble is. You've a worn disk in you neck. That's trapping the nerve into your arm to cause the pain. Then your neck muscles have cramped up to try to protect it and that's why you have the headache. Lets try you with some decent painkillers, but if they haven't done the trick in a week or so perhaps you might like to see the physio'."

Ms B "Ow! It kills. Bet it's not that wot you said. An' anyway I 'ent seein' no physio wotever you say."

She snatches up the script and flounces out muttering as though I had just acused her of child molestation.

So this is my thanks for beeing all bright and chirpy and Bloody Royal Bloody Collegey.

Two days back and already Gregory is tapping at the door to be let in...

Must resist.

There's a lovely cup of tea here if anyone wants it.....

6 comments:

Chairwoman of the bored said...

With what biscuit?

Z said...

Ooh, yes please. No milk, no sugar, and a chocolate Hob Nob if you've got it.

My turn to bring the biscuits next week.

Anonymous said...

Do you chaps over there have jars of sweeties for the little'uns? Or is that just not on anymore? (Off topic, I know..sorry)..they don't do it here in France, which disgusts my boys no end..in SA they always got something from the doc.

I'll skip the tea (am busy with a mug of coffee) but take the Hobnob. Two please.

Doctor Jest said...

Madam Chair-- *mumbling* forry wha' bifci' woul' vat be...
*guiltily brushes crumbs from front of posh suit*

z-- welcome to the tea but vide supra re the biccie thing.


geena-- "See the doctor, get a lollipop" seems to be a US thing as far as I can tell. Never done it here or heard of it being done. I do give out "Medals" (cool stickers) to 'specially brave soldiers after jabs, bloods and the like, but not sweeties. I reckon it's a post war austerity thing. Whenever we go to the US I am stuuned at the way they leave plates of food half eaten and soda's virtually untouched at the end of meals. As a lad it was drummed in to me to clear my plate, but then mater's formative years were years of privation, rationing and strife.

Anonymous said...

I was brought up to clear my plate too, but don't follow that rule myself with my boys. I feel it leads to bad eating habits and possibly obesity. If they have had enough ( and eaten some veggies too) then they can leave it. The thing is, I know how much they can fit into a hungry tummy so only serve up what I think is the right amount. Sometimes they ask for more, sometimes they don't even finish what they have.

On the GP 'treats' note...my last GP in SA was a woman...forty-ish..with 2 kids of her own (very brisk, no-nonsense type - quite scary actually)...and she never gave out sweets but kept a jar or 2 of medical reps marketing junk and always had some little gadget to pass on. It is a tradition in SA to get sweets at the doctor..some pharmaceutical companies (and I worked for one in their marketing dept) specially manufactured sugar free lollipops with their logo on the wrapper!

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