Monday, October 22, 2007

If you go down to the wood today...

The ghost of Monty Python is apparently abroad. Or to put it another way I’ve just had another of those completely surreal consultations that leave me marveling on the vagaries of the human character and chortling quietly to myself.

The first clue that things were going to be less than straightforward was Lynda’s admission right at the outset that she was “… in a bit of a mess.” Lynda is a woman of middle years, and not generally prone to euphemism. The second clue passed me by at first, but on the desk she had deposited her car keys—nothing unusual in that—hanging from a cutesy teddy bear key-ring.

It transpired that a few weeks ago Lynda had an intimate liaison with a “new partner”. Or a good old fashioned one night stand to be more accurate. Some weeks on she was left with a continuing reminder of the same, and requires investigation to rule out STI. We agreed that rather than refer her straight to the GU clinic, to spare her blushes we could initiate investigations here and only refer if we found a complicated case of infection. From her symptoms the most likely culprit remained candida and so the full rigours of the GU clinic might well be unnecessary.

So as I was completing the microbiology form to arrange the requisite swabs, I happened to glance over to where teddy lay resplendent on the desk. There he lay in all his glory. I can assert his masculine gender with some certainty, since there he was hung quite literally “like a bear” and with a “Prince Albert” to boot. Keeping a straight face through the remainder of the consultation was a real challenge I must say…

7 comments:

orchidea said...

I'm not as irretrievably depraved as I thought I was, Dr J. I had to look up "Prince Albert" on good old Wiki. ~shudder~

Thank you for making me laugh! Btw, did you know that "Candida" (erstwhile bane of my life) is the name of a toothpaste sold by a Swiss supermarket chain? And no, I don't use it...

Elaine said...

Ah, now I remember what a Prince Albert is. Supposed to enhance "partnerships", but the mind boggles.

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Too funny! I've been shown those at parties! Did Lynda have a matching piercing by any chance? BG

BenefitScroungingScum said...

You've reminded me of a previous GP of mine who asked if he could have a 'play' with my navel piercing having never seen one that wasn't infected!

Doctor Jest said...

orchidea-- glad to be of service.... er.... *blushes*.

I'm surprised the tooth paste has much of a market, though literally of course Candida only refers to whiteness, which presumably is where they dreamt the thing up in the first place.

elaine-- indeed. I must say that, for me, is an enhancement too far. Might help to explain Vicky and 'Berts prolific output though I guess....

Bendy girl-- I obviously get invited to the wrong sort of parties. And did your former GP manage to resist the temptation to give it a good stretch and make "boinging" noises as he let go? I'm not sure I would have been able to ;-)

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Dr J, obviously...the wildest parties I go to are thrown by a friend of mine who works in our local A&E, and I can hand on heart say I've never seen such debauchery anywhere else!
Good guess though, my former GP did not resist the temptation to stretch the piercing to its limits and 'flick' it about with his finger...no boinging noises though...that must be just you ;) BG

Doctor Jest said...

Bendy Girl-- Ah yes. There's a close affinity between A&E nurses and Cops of all kinds, but especially- or so it seems- the Vice Squad. And nobody does debauchery quite like the vice squad....

As for the piercing, your former GP was plainly a true professional and not a bumbling amateur like me then.