Earlier this week I met Yuri for the first time. His record states he’s been in Ambridge for nigh on five years, but so far, after an initial attendance to register, and a couple of visits to Dr Neighbour for minor ailments, he’s not troubled us at all. Looking at him, it wasn’t hard to see why. It’s not that he’s particularly tall, but he’s certainly solid. The urban combats, spetsnaz style black and white striped t-shirt and high laced paratrooper boots certainly created an impression. Then there were the bulging muscles. Yuri hasn’t so much "built" his body as hewn it from living granite. His biceps put the rather weedy Jesterly frame to shame, and the suppressed aggression he exudes suggests that one false move and he could snap my neck like a dried twig. A long dead, especially brittle twig.
Happily, our own little corner of blighty hasn’t yet succumbed to the attentions of a Ray-Ban shrouded oligarch and his own private army. Yuri just came here to work, and to carry on his very impressive hobby lifting ludicrously heavy things for fun, and the odd bit of bag pummelling. Sadly, now he’s been earning for a bit, he’s found himself seduced by the powers of the Dark Side. A "mate" at the gym introduced him to chemical supplements—hormones to you and me. Androgens and anabolics.
The only trouble is, after six months of this he’s been getting some chest pains, which have him fretting. Still he’s been for an EKG back in the Motherland, and it was normal, so he’s a bit less woried now. I tentatively prod where he says it hurts. I could almost swear as I jab his left pectorals there’s a clank. I foolishly suggest we try to provoke his pain with a few resisted movements starting with his shoulder. I cling on to his elbow and ask him to lift it above shoulder height as I press down. He lifts his arm and my feet clear the deck by a good couple of inches. There’s not even a flicker of discomfort.
I decide against asking him to do the reverse move, pressing down with the elbow point whilst I try to prevent him. I value my spine, and like it just the length it is. It helps hold me up.
Still after a bit more of an exam we decide the pain is most likely a minor strain. I prescribe him some 3-in-1 and a referral to Cyberdyne Systems if he doesn't get better. Steroids, it appears, don’t do much for the 800 Series Terminator. Still, I imagine he'll be back.