Monday, June 19, 2006

A new string to the bow?

I am pleased to report that Dr J has been awarded one half of the prestigious Work-Greavsie franchise. The following post will detail the new working arrangements that will obtain for the duration of this franchise.

Dr J will be available for General Greavsie Services (GGS) within the contracted hours of the New Greavise Services Contract, which is to say between 08.00 and 18.30 Monday to Friday. Outside these hours cover will be provided by the Borsetshire Greavsie Deputizing Service.

As an addition to the above we shall be launching “Greavsie Direct”, a 24 hour nationally available helpline. This can be reached by dialing 0845 4GREAVSIE (0845 44732743). Here call handlers with the help of a sophisticated computer program* will be able to advise you which of the six new Greavsie franchises you require.**

In line with the National Enhanced service under the NGS contract all posts will henceforth be monitored for quality. Spelling will be improved by a target 50%. Use of parentheses will be kept to and absolute minimum*** and swearing of any kind will result in a £1 donation to the Swearbox.

In line with locally negotiated arrangements all references to "Barbarella" and " the Barbies" will be replaced by acceptable substitutions for the duration of the franchise.

Any queries can be directed to OFFGREAVE the new Office for Greavsie Standards ****

* They DO NOT just spin a bottle. Honest.
** Calls may be recorded just for laughs. All calls charged at 50p per minute. Average length of call 25-90 minutes. Remember to get permission of whoever pays the bills.
*** Replaced by multiple asterisks. See I know it’s not Asterixes so there.
**** (NOT to be confused with ****) Address available on application.

14 comments:

pink said...

spelling will be improved by a target 50%... that's not a bad "srevice".

Potentilla said...

How do I contact OFFGREAVE?

Did you really post this at 3.12 am?

What'\s happened to your sidebar, or is it just Safari?

Z said...

Pfft. Moonlighting again.

Doctor Jest said...

pink-- bum. Now i'll have to kick the bloody box for not highlighting that one. It couldn't be my proofreading. Far from it. Ha! Bum! Just realized I now also owe the swear box £2. This could be a long three months. Bother.

potentilla--
1.The instructions are in the Display Department.
2. Depends where you are, but certainly not 03.12 GMT no.
3. It's ok my end.

HTH.

z-- Subcontracting is what we professionals call it. But yeah. So?

wendz said...

Rules schmules...queries schmeries...

Methinks you need to get out of the NHS and break loose..free your wild side..

And poo to the swearbox...that's just not on...pffft!
;-)

Doctor Jest said...

wendz-- I don't think you can get a lot wilder than "Baby Snow Bunny". Perhaps I'll have to rethink the swearbox thing tho' or at least claim a blanket exemption for the comments. Yeah, that'll work.

I have previously contemplated the idea of Calvin as GP (or preferable the calm voice of reason that is Hobbes). On the whole, though it will appeal to all my charges up to middle school age after that it might get a bit dangerous.

Anyway you wild types need a few of us squaers around as a yardstick...

Ellie said...

I forget: does the managing of the numerous water vessels fall under Work Greavsie?

Will you be as assiduous with water conservation?

and

At which desk will you sit?

Doctor Jest said...

ellie-- the beauty of this franchise is that Work Greavsie is now in an area with abundant water supplies so the grey water situation no longer applies. That said we have dual flush loos and a butt in the garden FWIW.

I suspect I shall be arm wrestling with Angry for choice of desk. He may be younger and an acknowledged superstar (runner up), but I have the wiles of Oddyseus at my command. (Oh OK I've tied him to the mast and blinfolded him if you must know...)I only hope Katy will find it in her heart to forgive me for manhandling her intended...

wendz said...

Ahem...just who are you calling wild.....Baby Snow Bunny?

And I do think that a Calvin and Hobbes work ethic will tie in quite nicely with my C&H intellectual Greavsie...

Doctor Jest said...

I may talk a good game, but when push comes to shove it's more Captain Vailla than Baby Snow Bunny ;-)

I'm sure the C&H approach will work fine, but I can see me getting into trouble for treating all mankinds ills with huge infusions of sugar and comics.

Z said...

Excuse me, young man, you may be a Professional, with letters after your name and all, but "yeah. So?" That's just cheeky.
Or bravado.
Or braggadocio.

I'm only jealous of course, there wasn't a Vegetable Growing franchise, or even a Wearing of 3.24" Heels Franchise, either of which would have been made for me.

Doctor Jest said...

z-- Ooops. This is what you get for subcontracting the answers to Baby Snow Bunny.

Mr Angry said...

I've taken a few days off from the Work-Greavsie franchise to watch the Verrld Kup.

I'll pop in, every now and again, to rattle a few cages and flirt shamelessly with secretaries. Which is what work is all about isn't it?

Keep up the stirling work.

Doctor Jest said...

Mr A-- Rattle away, but unless you follow Mr Rooney's well documented proclivities I wouldn't worry about our secretaries. We call their haunt in the crypt "The Sec's Room" with a keen sense of irony.